Always looking forward....

I remember Mikey as a newborn and I remember cradling him in my arms, sometimes while he nursed or sometimes just to cuddle. I remember always looking forward to the next step for him. Once he reached the next step like eating solids I would then look forward to the next step. After doing this with every milestone Breyana came along and I did the same thing. As much as I don't want my kids to grow up I always look forward to the next step, the next milestone for them.

Last night was bittersweet for me and it really took me back. Mikey went to sleep in bed with his dad and I stayed in bed with Bre. She looked over at me and said "mommy can I sleep on you", I put my arm out so she could lay on it but that was not what she wanted. She sat up and threw her body on mine and put her arms around me. As a lay there holding her it reminded me of all those restless nights with her. As a baby I use to lay her on top of me and she would calm down and drift off to sleep. Last night she did the same thing, it only took her minutes and she was out. As a listed to her little body take each breath I thought to myself, when they were younger I always looked forward but it seems these days all I want to do is go backwards and start all over. I want to cradle my kids again, I want to hear that baby talk one more time. I want to see that expression on their little faces after they had just figured something out. I miss that, I miss their smell their little toothless smiles.

I know I can't to back only in memory so for now I will enjoy these milestones and not always look forward to the next. I know in about 5 years I am going to want to go back to now.